My Silent Corridor ( A post for me)

(Warning : This is a long boring post I wrote for me. No lame jokes this time. So if you got other things to do right now, I suggest you skip this.)

Since I started this blog, it has always been my happy place. The place I came to dump all my crap, sarcastic quotes and ideas. I have always tried to keep it that way, I have never tried chronicled any of my feelings and thoughts because like I said, this was my happy place and my place of Zen. But lately things have gotten so crappy and so out of hand, something more than an 18 year old should deal with. I'm justly plainly overwhelmed to the point of suffocation. So I figured maybe chronicling my thoughts would somehow help release the stress that is fast turning unbearable.

It was after table tennis. I just snucked out of the hall and to the corridor of a form 3 class nearby and sat there. It was nice, overlooking the plants, the sun beating down on it and the bell erected there in the middle. I was alone and totally alone, which was nice as it allowed me to be alone with my thoughts and just try to make plain sense of what I have been going through. A nice quiet mental monologue.

I began to think how I got to where I am today, how things were so different during the more carefree days. Things used to be simple back then, come to school and just plainly enjoy talking and laughing with my friends. And it was nice because it was easy. I never knew that it was noticeable and visible until a friend asked me why am I so moody lately? School used to my place to escape everything, it was like going to sleep at night and for awhile, your dreams feel real and there are no worries or troubles that plague you. Just your dreams. That was what it was like spending time with my friends but I can't even do that lately. Sure, I put on a charade and that big 100 watt smile but inside I don't feel anything anymore...somehow. Joking was my thing and I'd tell my friends stupid stuff, things I have heard and when they laughed, it made me happy too. But now whenever I tell a joke or try to, I get this strange, hollow feeling on the inside that I can't even begin to fathom. Even when people are laughing because of it. Laughing along used to be fun, now its just so I don't feel weird .Laughter is nothing more than a hollow bray. Even the comedies, my stress killer, that which makes me happy for a short while don't seem to have any bearings anymore. And if I lose school and my comedies, I honestly don't know what I have left.

Sometimes when I talk to my good friends, especially the dong from australia, I feel like the old me again. Suddenly a wave of quiet confidence and reassurance comes across me. But these moments are fleeting. And then they are just gone. You know something is screwed up when you are stuck to trying to find who you were and just try to be that person again. When I say I need a vacation, I mean it. Away from everything, just me in a place where nobody knows me and maybe somehow that person might come back again. All happy, nice, sarcastic and maybe funny.

Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I just don't know what. Something triggered all the things that bother me that I have been trying to hide. I tell myself I have to be strong for the sake of those closest to me, but theres comes a point where a man, actually a boy can't take it anymore. The burden becomes overwhelming and he breaks down and nothing else matters anymore. I can only do this much to handle it before it all comes crashing down.

I guess I just gotta figure stuff out. This corridor monologue was nice. It allowed me to just think and try to talk some sense into myself. It was nice. Peaceful and serene. For awhile. I need to find a place in school where I can just escape and be alone. The stairs of the second floor that I go to during free periods obviously don't work. I sat at the corridor for almost half an hour I guess before the sounds of the scraping and folding tables reminded me that I had to get back to the hall. Well, I guess right now, I just gotta find one thing. The one thing I have lost while getting caught up in all this. The one that is the most important to me. Who was I before all this? How was I like before all this? I just don't wanna lose my friends because of the person I'm becoming as I know, just as much as I feel like I'm falling apart this time, I can't keep up the everyday happy facade up for long. Pretty soon I might be loner. Or maybe I'm already becoming one what with my escapes.