My Reason To Cling

" Tree Hill is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world, maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you. Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their place. Someone trying to find their self. Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you." - Lucas Eugene Scott

My Silent Corridor ( A post for me)

(Warning : This is a long boring post I wrote for me. No lame jokes this time. So if you got other things to do right now, I suggest you skip this.)

Since I started this blog, it has always been my happy place. The place I came to dump all my crap, sarcastic quotes and ideas. I have always tried to keep it that way, I have never tried chronicled any of my feelings and thoughts because like I said, this was my happy place and my place of Zen. But lately things have gotten so crappy and so out of hand, something more than an 18 year old should deal with. I'm justly plainly overwhelmed to the point of suffocation. So I figured maybe chronicling my thoughts would somehow help release the stress that is fast turning unbearable.

It was after table tennis. I just snucked out of the hall and to the corridor of a form 3 class nearby and sat there. It was nice, overlooking the plants, the sun beating down on it and the bell erected there in the middle. I was alone and totally alone, which was nice as it allowed me to be alone with my thoughts and just try to make plain sense of what I have been going through. A nice quiet mental monologue.

I began to think how I got to where I am today, how things were so different during the more carefree days. Things used to be simple back then, come to school and just plainly enjoy talking and laughing with my friends. And it was nice because it was easy. I never knew that it was noticeable and visible until a friend asked me why am I so moody lately? School used to my place to escape everything, it was like going to sleep at night and for awhile, your dreams feel real and there are no worries or troubles that plague you. Just your dreams. That was what it was like spending time with my friends but I can't even do that lately. Sure, I put on a charade and that big 100 watt smile but inside I don't feel anything anymore...somehow. Joking was my thing and I'd tell my friends stupid stuff, things I have heard and when they laughed, it made me happy too. But now whenever I tell a joke or try to, I get this strange, hollow feeling on the inside that I can't even begin to fathom. Even when people are laughing because of it. Laughing along used to be fun, now its just so I don't feel weird .Laughter is nothing more than a hollow bray. Even the comedies, my stress killer, that which makes me happy for a short while don't seem to have any bearings anymore. And if I lose school and my comedies, I honestly don't know what I have left.

Sometimes when I talk to my good friends, especially the dong from australia, I feel like the old me again. Suddenly a wave of quiet confidence and reassurance comes across me. But these moments are fleeting. And then they are just gone. You know something is screwed up when you are stuck to trying to find who you were and just try to be that person again. When I say I need a vacation, I mean it. Away from everything, just me in a place where nobody knows me and maybe somehow that person might come back again. All happy, nice, sarcastic and maybe funny.

Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I just don't know what. Something triggered all the things that bother me that I have been trying to hide. I tell myself I have to be strong for the sake of those closest to me, but theres comes a point where a man, actually a boy can't take it anymore. The burden becomes overwhelming and he breaks down and nothing else matters anymore. I can only do this much to handle it before it all comes crashing down.

I guess I just gotta figure stuff out. This corridor monologue was nice. It allowed me to just think and try to talk some sense into myself. It was nice. Peaceful and serene. For awhile. I need to find a place in school where I can just escape and be alone. The stairs of the second floor that I go to during free periods obviously don't work. I sat at the corridor for almost half an hour I guess before the sounds of the scraping and folding tables reminded me that I had to get back to the hall. Well, I guess right now, I just gotta find one thing. The one thing I have lost while getting caught up in all this. The one that is the most important to me. Who was I before all this? How was I like before all this? I just don't wanna lose my friends because of the person I'm becoming as I know, just as much as I feel like I'm falling apart this time, I can't keep up the everyday happy facade up for long. Pretty soon I might be loner. Or maybe I'm already becoming one what with my escapes.

My Tag II

The last person to tag you is:
Nicholas


What relationship of u with him/her:
Friend
Brother
My guru/ advisor...haha

Your 5 impression towards him:
Horny
Short
Likes to show off stuff he doesn't have =P
Great crapper
Good advisor (hah theres actually one good one)


The most memorable thing that he/she has done to you:
Wrote an incredibly *cough* interesting novel in form 5...actually he provided the storyline and I wrote..his descriptive english is crappy...autobots and decepticons =.=...dude you better still have it otherwise Ms Katarina Silvas will be pissed haha


The most memorable words that he/she said to you:
Take it slow and just bang!! (but seriously dude..how slow? )


If he/she becomes your lover, you will:
hahahahahahaha LMAO


If he/she becomes your enemy, you will:
Kick him in the nuts (oh wait..he don't have any)


If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on?:
hahahahahaha jeeez


If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is?:
I outdo him in departments related to height, length and looks? =)


The most desirable thing to do for him/her is?:
Give him a treat if taking it slow and banging really works out


The overall impression of him/her is?:
A good brother (Damn it I said something nice about the guy *bangs head against wall*)


How do you think the people around you will feel about you?:
Ok lets see, last time : sarcastic, funny and crazy; now : moody and temperamental


The character for yourself is:
I want that sarcastic I don't give a crap bastard back again. Ben!! Come back!!!


On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?:
My inability to ermm...haha can't tell...only close friends know

The most ideal person you want to be is?:
Tony Stark (right he is fictional but the dude is so freaking damn smooth)

For the persons who care and like you, say something about them:
I could say a million thank yous and use incredible adjectives yet none of them would even be sufficient to tell all of you how much you guys mean to me.

Ten people to tag:
1. Woei Chyuan
2. Kevin
3. Zheng Ying
4. Chun Yee
5. Heather
6. Tracy
7. Elaine
8. Darren
9. Kok Oon
10. Chien Wei

Who is number 2 having relationship with?
Haha...all I can say is poor singapore girls *sigh*

Is number 3 a male or female?
Male..what with all his real man drink guiness crap

If number 7 and number 10 be together would it be a good thing?
I honestly don't know..

How about number 5 and number 8?
Hmmm..I don't think they would match LOL

What is number 1 studying about?
Studying? Nono..he is too busy having all the girls in school trip over him XD

When was the last time you had a chat with them?
Woei Chyuan : 1 hour ago
Kevin : 1 week ago
Zheng Ying : 1 hour ago
Chun Yee : Yesterday
Heather : 2 months ago
Tracy : March in a gym I think
Elaine : Yesterday
Darren : Oh sweet mama..I don't remember
Kok Oon : Yesterday
Chien Wei : A few months ago

Is number 4 single?
Not sure...maybe a guy has taken him/her into his arms

Say something about number 2.
A prowling womanizer in a singapore who loves himself too much for his biceps. Loves muscle tees and grinding er stuff. Falls asleep while watching erm stuff..seriously who does that? Nice guy. Holds awesome barbeques. Gives bad advice to drunken lads =). How does running on treadmill help reduce drunkeness?

My Tag

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1. Ben

2. FB

3. Banana, Bananadict, Ben-A-Dick-Banana (once upon a time...don't ask me how I'm related to the fruit..I know squat either)



THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD :

1. Stevie G

2. Maverick

3. Ben An Ant



THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My eyes..maybe

2. My .....

3. My ...... (I dunno..can i hate myself on the outside and love myself on the inside..erm thats sounds a teensy weensy wrong)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My grow long and curls back up again hair

2. My unusually large nose...i guess

3. Not tall enough

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. Malaysian chinese

2. Malaysian Indian

3. Spanish =D

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Losing the people I care deeply about..family and friends

2. Being disliked..I dunno I'm a bit self conscious that way

3. Horror movies and cockroaches

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. Talking to my friends

2. Listening to music

3. Sleep and siestas



THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:

1. T - shirt

2. Spectacles

3. Ermmm...oh yea pants



THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:

1. Backstreet Boys

2. Faber Drive

3. Justin Timberlake



THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW):

1. Sleepless Nights - Faber Drive

2. When I'm With You - Faber Drive

3. Second Chance - Faber Drive (LOL all faber drive thanks to a friend XD )



THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

1. Love

2. Mutual trust

3. Joy

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. Eyes

2. Makes me laugh

3. Friendly and understands and occasionally humour the nutjob that I am

(The last two aren't physical..I know but thats what I really want..gotta be honest right?)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

1. Playing basketball

2. Playing tennis

3. Hanging out with friends

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. Have a nice talk with a friend to lighten myself up

2. Escape to somewhere so that I can relax..an island or Hawaii or what not

3. To find answers to my life

4. Eat something dipped in hot cheese

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:

1. Surgeon

2. Rockstar

3. Strike the lottery and just enjoy life =) (I want this one so badly...)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Madrid, Spain..my god the food

2. Switzerland..nice and peaceful

3. Paris..the city of love..somehow I found out I love you in french don't sound all that romantic

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. Find the special someone and have a happy and fun family

2. Lying in the grass on the Alps during spring and just relax

3. Jump into a nice beautiful clear lake and yell:" I'm the king of the world!"

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/GUY:

1. I get a bit too competitive for my own good

2. I talk crap with my dudes

3. I love cars but not much as my dad..he says he will take anything on wheels over anything on heels any day

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE NOT STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/GUY:

1. I care a bit too much?

2. I sometimes put others needs before my own

3. I am wee bit emotional and sensitive

FIVE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:

1. Anybody who would like to..this way nobody gets left out